When I was a little girl, I regularly found myself knowing things before they came to pass. This always made me feel wildly strange and deeply lonely because I didn’t want to tell anyone about my experiences. I often had dreams where I would hear words I didn’t know and meet people I had not yet met. Then, in the days to come, the words and people would become a part of my reality. Again, these experiences almost made me feel afraid of even myself because no one else I had ever met had expressed anything similar. In my environment, there was very little mention of God, but even according to that tiny understanding, I knew there was someone bigger than me who had power. So, I lifted my little head one day and asked whoever might be listening to make these strange occurrences stop. To my great delight, they did.

Fast forward now to my preteen years. I found myself hungry for attention and affection. I found myself researching what would make me noticeable to boys. After consulting the magazines for wisdom, I began to dress and act to become the object of their desire. This was successful in gaining the attention I craved. I also wanted to be popular amongst the girls. I decided to make friends with those who were already popular and become what they wanted me to be. I found myself soon in with a crowd who had very little care for what was right and what was wrong. I found myself being invited to places where the options I could pick between were bad and worse. Good was a thing of the past, and definitely not what the popular kids entertained. Though I dated many boys, I didn’t feel wanted. Though I was surrounded with people, I didn’t feel loved. These choices led to a deepening of the loneliness I had known for so long.

As I became a teenager, death began to make its appearance in my life. In the 8th grade a friend died from meningitis, and shortly after my mom’s best friend, who I grew up calling Aunt, was killed in a car accident. The next death was just six months later when my grandmother, who was a major light in my life, died after surgery. Six months beyond that, my grandfather, whom I adored, also died the night before surgery. Six months after that, my best guy friend, who was such a source of joy and companionship to me, died in an accident on a four-wheeler. As if that wasn’t enough grief, three other children from my high school died that same week, all unrelated. My heart wasn’t only saddened, it was shattered. I never had time to recover from one bout of grief before the next tsunami took me back under all over again.

Now, a girl of just 15, I was suffering from a deep despair that was the result of a lifelong struggle with loneliness and a seemingly endless supply of grief. However, at the same time, this ache of my heart began to beg the question, “What happens when you die?” By the grace of God, there was one person in my life who continually pursued friendship with me. Her family had something I did not have. They carried a hope and a love that made me feel truly wanted for who I really was. They invited me into their home, and it was there I found that goodness was an option, and I was so relieved. I love going there. Over time they began to invite me to go to their church with them. I was so excited because that meant a whole new crop of boys to choose from!

I know! That’s not what you expected me to say. Alas, that is the truth. I went to church with them in my short skirts, low-cut tops, and high heels because my goal was to land a new boyfriend. And I DID! God is in the details! He used even my impure intentions to align me with His will. With this new love interest in my life, I wanted to be at church all the time. I got involved in the youth ministry, and through hearing the Word of God, I realized I needed to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I silenced my heart and asked, “Jesus, do you really choose me? Do you really want me?” I heard His voice say, “Jenna, I love you, you are mine.” When I heard Him say my name, in an instant I KNEW this was the answer to those lifelong deep needs inside of me. I knew that my loneliness and affection needs had been met because now Jesus was in me, and He would never leave me.

A few weeks later, I was sitting in service alone and the Pastor was ministering the instructions for taking communion. I knew nothing yet about the Word of God, so I didn’t understand what the elements represented but he said this was for all who had received Jesus, which I was confident I had! He told us to ask the Lord while we were taking of the elements how we could further extend His body one the earth. Though I had no idea what that meant, I wanted to be obedient, so I prayed just that. The Lord responded, “How can I ask you to do that when you haven’t made a public profession?” I asked, “What is that, Lord?” He told me that I needed to be baptized and I asked to be baptized that very day.

From there the Lord asked me immediately to lay down the very aspect of my life from which I was getting the largest understanding of my identity. For a solid decade, I was a competitive dancer. All forms of dancing were my life. I would spend every evening at the studio practicing and the weekends were spent performing or competing. I didn’t really know much about who I was, but I knew I was a talented dancer. I often would be given the lead role of a show or be asked to be the captain of the team. Dancing was a space of confidence and achievement in my life. This was the first thing He required of me. “Will you leave dancing to follow Me?” As I said yes, I also remembered that there was a group of women at the church who did something called Praise Dancing.

Do you remember that boyfriend I landed at church? His mom was the leader of the praise dance team! I called her crying and asked if they would have room for me. They welcomed me and surrounded me. They loved me, prayed for me, and encouraged me. The very first time I was to worship God through dance in church, the Lord took me off somewhere dancing with Him, as I came back to myself, I began to weep at the beauty of our dance. He whispered to me, “Do you see? One moment of doing something for My glory, is more satisfying than a decade of doing it for your own!” I decided in that moment, that for all my life, whatever I do, would be for the sole purpose of glorifying God.

Why am I sharing this? I wanted you to know that no matter what your childhood looked like, no matter what your teenage years looked like, no matter what any of your years looked like- there is hope for you! No matter how alone, how empty, or how desperate you have felt, and what you have searched for to fill those voids, there is hope for you. I wanted you to know that it doesn’t matter what you look like when you begin to search for Him, just go to a Bible based church and allow His Word to begin it’s work in you. It doesn’t matter what you know or understand about the Bible, we all begin at the beginning. Even if your reason for going isn’t purely to meet Jesus, just go. Then ask the Lord, “Are you choosing me?” Let His voice be the One who answers that question. Let yourself hear Him say, “I love you. You are mine.” Once you invite Him into Your heart to be Your Lord and Savior, go ask a leader to get you baptized. Then begin studying the Bible, begin having a quiet time each morning with the Lord, begin connecting with the local church, and giving your time and talents to serve the Lord so that more people can hear Him calling their name. Immediately ask Him if there is anything you need to lay down to follow Him. Then obey.

There is such joy and relief in Salvation in Christ. Not only is the emptiness inside of us filled with Perfect Love, but we also enter into a life of freedom and purpose. Jesus is the answer to everything you have been searching for! His love for you is personal and intimate and will break every chain that’s been keeping you held back. It’s a life of treasure hunting, adventure, and marvelous wonder. You were made to be His! He created you to love you and to be loved by you. Relax your grip on everything you have been holding onto for dear life, surrender to His love, and find real life that can only come from Him!

Here is the prayer of surrender:

Jesus, I recognize that my life has been full of emptiness, loneliness, rejection, and pretending. I am done with that now. I want to come to life. I want to really live, and I want to be free. I recognize the answer to all my deepest needs can only come from receiving Your perfect love. I want to. I open my hands in surrender and my heart in humility and I ask for You to come in and become my Lord and my Savior. I ask that You take up residence inside of me and never leave. I ask that You cleanse and purify me into Your likeness. Teach me Your ways and use my life from this day forward, for Your glory. I need You. I want You. I choose You. In Jesus’ Holy name I pray, Amen.